A Stone’s Throw
By Paul Steven Stone

Why would the Red Cross return the toaster-oven I donated to the starving people of Afghanistan?

Of course, maybe they already had too many. There’d be no point in sending toaster-ovens to Afghanistan if you ran out of Afghan families to give them to. I mean you can’t just ship the extras to Sri Lanka and hope nobody notices.

But then there was that long list of much needed items the Red Cross sent along with my returned toaster-oven. Don’t think I didn’t notice the distinct absence of kitchen appliances in general, and toaster-ovens specifically.

I don’t know about you, but I hate when people tell me what presents they want. Deciding on a present is half the joy of giving it, and if I were to follow the Red Cross’ drably functional list I’d mail off a check or ship them a dozen cattle and be done with it.

Well, I did think about sending a check. That was the first thing that came to mind when I found myself overcome with charitable impulses. I even spoke to my wife about how gaunt and tattered all those Afghans looked on CNN, and suggested we might make a generous donation. After all, we were both professionals earning a good income, clearly on-track to achieve what Money Magazine calls a "wealth-based" retirement.

And it was a good idea! I don’t want the Red Cross to think otherwise. Unfortunately, with the tax year closing, and the hit in capital gains we’d suffer from reducing our liquidity, our financial advisor ultimately had to nix the idea of sending a check to the poor people of Afghanistan.

Maybe next year, he said, and I’m sure he means it.

So how did I finally decide on the toaster-oven?

That was a stroke of genius, if I might modestly say so. I had read somewhere that Americans were so wealthy and self-absorbed we were depleting the planet’s resources at an alarming rate. I generally don’t bother with statistics unless they’re related to professional sports, but I remember the article saying that Americans represented 5% of the planet’s population and consumed 80% of its resources.

Well, I may be dense but I’m not stupid. I immediately saw the implications of my buying something to send to the poor people of Afghanistan. If you thought about all the places you’d never choose for a vacation, you realize there are a lot of poor countries in the world. So, obviously, if we Americans start buying things to send to poor countries, we’d quickly be consuming even more than our allotted 80% share of the world’s resources--maybe two or three times more, at least.

Not to pat myself on the back, but I quickly realized the answer didn’t lie in purchasing more to help the poorer countries of the world, but in purchasing less.

Once I figured that out, the real problem was deciding ‘less of what?’

Less of a car?

There was an idea. My wife was about to replace her 2001 Volvo with a 2002 Lincoln Navigator, one of those SUV’s that require two parking spaces if you harbor hopes of ever getting out of the car in a crowded lot.

Maybe you should buy something smaller, I suggested, staring at a face that iced up so quickly I immediately pretended I was joking. Or maybe we should just cut back on some of the options, I offered as a compromise.

And how would that help the poor people of Afghanistan, my wife bitingly inquired?

I don’t know, I responded, fumbling. Maybe we could arrange to have the electric seat warmers sent to Kabul and the side-mirror defoggers whisked off to Kandahar. All the TV reporters say that winters are quite intemperate in that part of the world.

The last thing my wife offered before she left the kitchen was a suggestion that I send my own seat warmers to Afghanistan and leave her seat warmers in her new Navigator where they god-damn well belonged!

And then I saw it!

There on the kitchen counter. Still in its box. A brand new toaster-oven purchased only last week at Bloomingdale’s. Not that there was anything wrong with our old toaster-oven, but this one came with a special stone tray for cooking pizza that my kids swore they couldn’t live without.

That was it! The birth of a recycling American philanthropist. Or was it an American philanthropical recyclist? Well, anyway, whatever you call it, that’s what I became. I wouldn’t just thoughtlessly buy something useless to send to Afghanistan while needlessly adding to my collection of toaster-ovens. Instead I would send a beautiful, well functioning toaster-oven to the poor starving people of Afghanistan and keep just one for myself.

What a great idea!

Or so I thought . . . until the Red Cross sent it back with a terse note and a long list of items more suitable (they said) for the starving people of Afghanistan.

Now I’m wondering if they were just being pissy like my sister-in-law who never likes any of the presents she gets. Or maybe they were holding out for a better toaster-oven– perhaps one that comes with a stone pizza tray?

Which brings up another important question.

Do you think they eat pizza in Afghanistan?